What I Did to MILF-Maxx My Pregnancy

This is not a typical conception guide to a healthy and glowing pregnancy. I’m not making any claims other than what worked for me and what I did for the many years and leading months before we spontaneously conceived.

This is not addressed to anyone with reproductive challenges. I’ve merely had a smoother-than-average pregnancy and wanted to share some of the things I did that many of the moms and women I know who had turbulent pregnancies (emotionally and physically) did differently.

I know many conditions are outside of our control. And to those struggling with complications outside of this realm of satire-Substack humor, I have so much grace for you, and none of what I’ll be sharing is meant to target you.

I’ve been blessed in many ways... with the belief, behaviors, and the body to make the most of this pregnancy. But I’ve also been transparent enough to publish my struggles.

I will continue to live by these simple habits and virtues for as long as my journey lasts. And I hope that these words may bless you as much as they change you on your journey through motherhood.

CLEAN UP YOUR BODY... AND YOUR HUSBAND’S

It’s safe to say this is the holy grail of pregnancy advice. And my husband and I have taken it very seriously for the last three years.

Long before I even thought of conception, I was sure to clean up my body. After all, what use are prenatal vitamins if you’re drinking, smoking, or doing drugs regularly? It’s been three years since my husband and I took our sobriety seriously. And after many conversations with mothers-to-be, I reckon that substance use is the most common denominator for preventable gestational challenges.

You’ve heard it: the quality of the sperm determines the quality of the pregnancy... But darling, the quality of your health determines the quality of your baby’s. Sure, we hear tales of old—mothers who smoked their entire pregnancies and their babies turned out ‘fine.’ And I have openly heard, “Well, some babies are born addicts,” too many times for my liking...

But is this really the standard?

When speaking to the women who’ve been on the same journey, I cross-examined the lifestyle-to-symptom ratio, and almost every case of miserable (but entirely avoidable) symptoms was absent in the women (and their husbands) who prioritized health and sobriety long before conception.

In that regard, months before our wedding, I was on a health kick. In part because I wanted to be a smokin’ hot bride... Well, actually... in full. But Google says that “It takes roughly 2–3 months for a man’s body to produce and fully mature new sperm.” And these 90-Day Fiancés took the assignment a little too seriously. While I was meal-prepping in between alterations, my husband was unknowingly participating in a sperm optimization program.

So with that said, I truly believe that our sobriety and healthy lifestyle contributed a million-fold to the ease of my pregnancy journey.

THE DECISION TO HAVE A HOT-GIRL PREGNANCY

It wasn’t long ago that I co-miserated with every other online mom who fussed about pregnancy. Not only was my first trimester extremely challenging physically and mentally, but my ever-changing self-image was a daily excuse to spiral.

It was only after a really serious conversation with myself that I changed the course of my pregnancy... permanently. The symptoms took time to improve, but my decision was immediate. I refused to ruin this miraculous journey with my bitching and complaining. And ever since, I’ve felt... dare I say, hot.

I started making the most of this incredible time in my life by leaning into my femininity, thinking more positively, and doing what I can to make pregnancy enjoyable.

At the six-month mark, I can confidently say I am thoroughly loving being pregnant. I am softer, nourishing myself better, feeling sexier, and establishing a routine that will take us right into baby life.

You can go the full nine months praising or whining about motherhood... Heck, you can go your child’s entire life doing the same. But pregnancy doesn’t ask you to get on board; it happens whether you choose to love it or hate it.

So, I recommend you shit or get off the pot, mama. Because no one is waiting for you to embrace being a mom.

BOUNDARIES... WITH MYSELF

The truth is: too many women are busy establishing boundaries with others, but I hardly see us building boundaries with ourselves.

Sorry, honey—your mother-in-law is not the problem here. You are. And sometimes, the weakest link in the village is actually you. So take this as a warning: if you don’t get your head out of your ass now, you’ll end up with third-degree tears.

Admittedly, I spent irreconcilable amounts of time in conflict with others that I couldn’t recognize that I was the problem. It wasn’t my daddy issues. It wasn’t my in-laws. It’s me, hi, I was the problem.

And blessed be that I was soon humbled. I realized that pushing away the people who were helping while spinning up unending sob stories was actually a self-fulfilling prophecy... and it left me feeling more alone and unsupported than ever.

So it’s time to clean up the act, get your mind right, and remember that you’re about to bring new life into the world. It’s time to put the excuses to rest and write a new story.

If you have any lingering grudges, resentments, or old narratives you’re still carrying around, it’s important to draw a line now before you dig a deeper hole for yourself. You can turn those childhood traumas and internal dramas into a new chapter, but you must get honest about who the real villain is. Because motherhood has a way of exposing every crack in the foundation.

And maybe that’s the real lesson here—it’s not just about preparing a nursery or a birth plan, but preparing yourself to be the kind of woman who can carry the next generation.

UNSHAKEABLE BELIEF

If there’s one thing that sets me apart from the pregnancies I’ve seen online, it’s that I’m neither guilt-ridden nor fear-driven. I have this unwavering conviction in my baby’s health, his future, and the God who authors it all.

I’ve been on my knees in prayer as much as I have been knee-deep in spiritual warfare. But I know the value of this baby’s life, and I know with rock-solid faith that I was made for ushering it.

I have so much trust in my body, in this baby, and in the God who is knitting him in my womb. It’s often hard to shout it from the rooftops of a fear-mongering social media landscape. But I know when it’s time to take a step away from the world and pray for deeper wisdom.

I don’t know where I get this belief from. Or how I just know my body has what it takes to develop a healthy baby. But I do know beyond a shadow of a doubt that no salami, sushi, or smoked salmon can outsmart the God who created this baby in the first place.

And with that said, I trust in myself too. Because I know Who is guiding me. I know that when God says rest, I rest. When He says eat, I eat. And when He convicts me to jump through the hoops of doubt, I simply ask, “How high?”

EXERCISING FAITH AS MUCH AS FITNESS

I recently published a piece on what fitness has looked like during pregnancy. And I could write entire books on what faith has looked like during this journey. But what you really come to know as your belly and wisdom expand is that motherhood is a marathon, not a sprint.

It’s the long game. A lifelong game. And pouring concrete on shaky foundations now will only result in groundbreaking cracks later.

You must remain malleable. You must bend and not break on the daily... Heck, you need to be flexible on an hour-to-hour basis... while also continuing to build the blocks of the life you will give your child.

Over the last six months, I’ve rewritten the story from below the ground up. I’ve re-evaluated every area of my life. Adapted. Changed. Started from scratch. And changed everything again.

I’ve had to look at the life I was living... and the life I was going to give my son. And as soon as I stopped complaining about the rug being pulled out from underneath me, I began building a nest to accommodate this new life.

We’ve looked at our priorities and had to make some changes. And we learned that what we used to overlook was the very thing we needed to create a stable home for our son.

There’s nothing that will test you more than peeing your pants with one sneeze or watching your reflection change at a moment’s notice. But that stuff only represents the tip of the iceberg of this immense parental transformation.

IF YOU WANT TO BE A MILF, START BEFORE YOU’RE PREGNANT

Perhaps that’s the irony of MILF-maxxing. I always thought it meant preserving my beauty, bouncing back, or finding a way to survive pregnancy without losing myself.

But six months in, I’ve realized that the opposite is true. The real glow-up wasn’t physical. It was learning how to care for my body before it screamed for it. How to steward my mind before motherhood tested it. Trusting God before I had the answers. And learning how to build a home before my baby arrived.

Turns out the hottest thing I did during pregnancy wasn’t growing a baby—it was growing up. Because if you want to be a MILF, you’ve got to maxx more than what’s on the outside.

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