The Case for a Hot-Girl Pregnancy

Have we made it our solemn oath to make pregnancy miserable?

I reached a turning point last night. Somewhere midnight and one a.m., I reached a breaking point… and then a turning one. I spent the last several days wallowing in self-pity, searching all of Substack and Instagram for further proof of how dismal pregnancy can be. And to my wretched surprise, there was absolutely no resistance.

High and low in the algorithm, I found proof of women around the world who were, for lack of better word, suffering as much as I was. Day after day, my body dysmorphia, insurmountable exhaustion, and gestational distress worsened.

My husband found me twice in the bath, face running with tears… Within the same day.

Everytime I called my mom, I’d present a new symptom to her to further my case against pregnancy…

And, it’s safe to say, I almost believed myself.

I almost let myself succumb to my self-inflicted afflictions. After all, if every woman online also partook in this anguish, how far could I be from the truth? Was this a universal experience every mother-to-be would face?

Some time between my self-image spiral and the words ‘you look beautiful’ came out of my husband’s mouth, I decided this could no longer be my reality. I was mere hours post an order of Papa John’s when my pregnancy dysmorphia peaked. I viscerally felt myself disconnecting from my body as the pizza bloat grew bigger than my actual bump.

Just hours prior, I was on my usual tandem—complaining to my mother on FaceTime about the latest pregnancy findings. I think my last ten calls with her were centered around how torturous pregnancy can be. To which she, as any good mother would, bypassed my experience completely and reminded me that this is the most magical time in a woman’s life and how I should count my lucky stars I got pregnant so quickly.

Well, that’s when I decided that no one really understood what I was going through.

On a daily basis, I gloomed enough to get sympathy. But when I finally got it, it invalidated the reflection in the mirror. I thus further concluded that I was alone in my experience and that I better keep my woes to myself.

Back to the night of cheesy sticks and marinara sauce, I felt myself rapidly spiraling. I couldn’t suck in anymore, not even for some semblance of control. Ironically, I was longing to look bloated again. But it was giving full-fledged pregnant!

I hyper-fixated on the things I ate that day, a yogurt, lunch, and chocolate bar just prior to the Uber Eats delivery. What was I doing? Had I become the pregnant woman who couldn’t tame her cravings? So early in the pregnancy, too?

For those with any preexisting body-image issues and eating disorders, nothing will test you more than watching your body change without your permission. I spent a decade ruminating on what I would do to stay fit during pregnancy. But, there I was… the woman I was running from all these years.

It’s funny because the chocolate bar was a substitute for the chia pudding and London Fog I was really craving. And the pizza was a rotten cherry on top of the way I was already feeling that afternoon.

So like any good (steadily declining) pregnant woman, I turned to ChatGPT to confess my innermost pities.

Have I become the pregnant woman I feared I would become? Just another voice in the crowd writing articles about about how miserable motherhood is?

My thread lasted about twenty minutes. It’s like I was just getting it all out—getting to the absolute bottom of this bottomless pit of self-pity I had drowned into. I was like every woman reading another Instagram post or Substack article, hoping this would be the time I finally got what I was waiting to hear:

That there is another way.

There is an outcome where I feel hot and confident while pregnant.

That motherhood actually is empowering—despite the millions of online claims proving otherwise.

So I made it my instant prerogative to shift the dynamic. That would be the last chocolate bar and pizza slice(…s) I ever ate in self-pity. I wouldn’t become the defeated woman I feared I would be. And that, for the (growing-)life of me, I would journey through motherhood optimistically and... blindly if that’s what it took to enjoy it.

I’ve already deleted Instagram more times than is socially acceptable throughout a pregnancy. But I am tired of people’s checklists and tainted experiences. Shit, I’m even tired of reading about the contrasting ‘positive’ experiences. As if negativity is the standard, and they’re the unique butterfly who got a miracle.

I wasn’t, however, prepared for Substack to be so tainted with prolific complainers. Most writers could win a Pulitzer for succumbing to the ‘realities’ of motherhood.

But, mark my written words, I will not.

I don’t want to be another cynical columnist who let the world weigh down their pregnancy.

And don’t get me wrong—I KNOW IT’S HARD!

I am familiar with the instinct to berate yourself in the mirror, and eat yourself into oblivion, and spend your nine months submitting to the ‘horrors’ of pregnancy. I know that when this baby is born, it will be hard.

But, letting those statements defeat me without giving the alternative a real shot?!

I will NOT let the world take that chance away from me!

I won’t let the world stop me before I try.

Over the last few weeks, I’ve had several drafts in the sidebar. I’ve started pieces on maternity brand editorials, feeling sexy, and some casual write-ups on staying fit during pregnancy. But none made it beyond the first few paragraphs because they were so far from how I was feeling.

But I made that decision last night to wake tf up and do things differently. I decided that a hot-girl pregnancy can be a thing and I didn’t have to be an influencer to have a highlight reel motherhood. So, from the bottom… of the bottom and climbed my way back to the top, I write you these very meager albeit catalysing notes so you can finally get what you’ve been waiting for: permission to do wtf you want.

This isn’t advice. Don’t add anything more to your already-overwhelming to-do list. Just give yourself a chance to receive what you want to hear for once.

Take a moment to recognize that the world is saturated with people who have already yielded to a version of motherhood that doesn’t have to be yours—and that you’re likely going to receive (more) unsolicited advice and recommendations along the way… Maybe even some very well-meaning but totally hampering suggestions that worked for somebody else.

But give yourself the chance to decide and figure it out for yourself… Un-done-before tactics that may actually lead you to realize that giving life can be totally life-giving and vitalizing, and sexy, and empowering, and not a drag whatsoever.

As I edit through this draft, I reflect on the common denominators of my gestational misery. There is an equation for why I felt the way I felt… and by tending to the variables, I know I can change the outcome.

So, as not to come off as any form of advice, here are some things to look out for if you’re not enjoying your experience of pregnancy (and/or motherhood):

Are you getting enough protein, woman?

Say less. I can earnestly tell you that those mid-day crashes and sugar cravings that lead you right into total-body distress are a consequence of not getting enough protein.

After transitioning from morning-noon-and-night-sickness in the first trimester, I was still only eating light breakfasts, and low-protein, high-carb meals for lunch and dinner.

There is a literal reason you’re turning to stale cookies and chocolate bars. But trust me, you’re not buying yourself time, you’re just going to feel like shit again in fifteen minutes.

I recently re-read a Substack I wrote a year ago called ‘Life is too short to eat stale cookies’. Well, pregnancy is too. We all crave a ‘sweet treat’ throughout our pregnancies, and should your old wives’ tale point towards a girl, you might be craving more sweet than savory. But UberEats-ing chocolate bars and McFlurries in the middle of the night is doing less for you than actually going for what you’re craving.

Not to mention, ladies, electrolytes and staying hydrated will not do the heavy lifting. The right combo is protein, healthy fats, and carbs. Protein will anchor your energy, the healthy fats will sustain and satisfy, and carbs are your body’s immediate source of energy.

So make it a priority to eat wholly—not just during pregnancy and early motherhood, though it’s a great start for a lot of us—but why don’t we make feeding ourselves more than a last resort?

Are you going for enough walks?

Luckily for me, first trimester was peak winter and just as my energy returned, so did the Spring. The changing seasons sparked this deep inner need to get out and walk. Not just from the thousands of Insta-moms who swear by 10k steps per day (I was lucky if I did 100) but because walking is both a physical way to fill your cup and a mental outlet to empty it.

It’s good to get out, change the scenery, and turn off the damn screens. I already spent my first trimester watching Sex and the City re-runs. Second trimester was giving The Good Doctor… on crack. I needed more than looking for chores to do, taking a hundred baths per day (I was literally averaging three) and trying to pump out articles with virtually no source of inspiration.

Trust me. Get out. Walk around a mall if you have to. Your neighborhood. Walk to the closest coffee shop. Walk with snacks in your pocket. Walk on the beach or through the forest. Put headphones in, a podcast on, or just your favorite tunes. Do it your way, but do get out for a little bit.

My husband, whom also works from home and is currently the sole breadwinner of the household, told me last night that he would rather I get out of the house and spend a couple bucks to come back replenished than wallow around the condo all day, silently disrupting the peace that we work so hard to maintain.

Which leads me to…

Are you doing enough of what you really want to be doing, mama?

Pregnancy and, worse, mom-guilt are at an all-time high. Maybe it’s because we’re so used to commiserating with other mothers… Maybe it’s because we’re stupid. But not doing what you really want to be doing isn’t serving anyone. Not your kids, not your partner, and certainly not yourself.

From trial and error, I can tell you with the utmost confidence that not doing what you really want to be doing… is not getting you anywhere. Like, why force yourself to clean the house for the fifth time today when you really want to take a bath? Why trade the panna cotta you’re craving for six pieces of Bueno minis? (tRUe STorY) Why not just take that drive when being home for another minute is literally driving you crazy?

You can take the kids out now if you want to.

You can put on spa music and take a nap if you want to.

You can workout how you want to.

You can eat, do, watch, make anything that pleases you.

But, let it be said, when you don’t… everyone in you and around you suffers for it.

Are you allowing your needs to be met? (You gotta speak up about your needs, lady).

Your needs can range from dietary to deluxe, and as a woman setting the biological tone for her life as well as her baby’s, leading by the example of getting your needs met—more importantly, speaking up about them—will set the bar at which you will be met in life.

There’s nothing noble about denying yourself. And as a mother (or mother-to-be) I know you don’t want to teach your children about depriving themselves either. But guilt-culture around the world entrenches women in nothing but sabotage, and it syphons the very lifeforce you need to be a good and happy mother.

Your kids don’t need a martyr. They don’t need a mother who refuses help and nourishment—not in the womb and definitely not at home. So get used to shifting the narrative. Not in a way that abdicates responsibility and common sense, as we often see on social media. But by finding a healthy balance.

Do you trust your own desire for motherhood?

It’s time to trust yourself, mama.

When I outlined my thoughts for this article, the original headline for this section was ‘do you trust your own design for motherhood’, not desire.

Because your pregnancy and motherhood experience are one of a kind. There may not be a one-for-all blueprint for parenthood but there seems to be a common construct everyone is obeying these days: be miserable and survive.

That’s why we look for so many loopholes. We try to find products that will ease the anticipated difficulty, methods and modalities for making routines lighter to bear. But, trust me, every girl who once dreamt of being a mother did not fantasize about this… Whatever this is.

There are millions of momfluencers on the rise because of this very challenge. The challenge to think for yourself, to decide your own journey, your own design, and yes… your own desires for motherhood.

Think back to when you used to daydream about being a mom. You used to dream about this phase in your life—holding your belly, dressing your bump, and creating the life you wanted to raise your baby in.

I wrote in a parallel draft that ‘the fantasy of pregnancy died when I actually got pregnant’. But, as of today, I will be Control + ‘A’ deleting everything from that copy and starting from scratch with a new mindset. You were born with a dream in your womb, and instead of buying into the billion-dollar-a-year belief that it’s delusional, you might as well treat it as your unique design for motherhood… Because it is.

I came into this draft hoping to be the voice someone needed to hear… Hoping that there was at least one permission slip on the Internet for mothers to do what the f*ck they came here to do.

We don’t need another momfluencer posting her reclamation and calling it ‘selfish’. (What even is a #mommymakeover and why does it need a hashtag?) We also don’t need another viral product list for making motherhood a little less miserable.

What we do need is more women who are refusing to compromise with self-pity. Who will not let themselves succumb to maternal negativity. Who will shamelessly choose joy, nourishment, and positivity during pregnancy. And who will decide that her vision is not something to be bought or bargained with, period.

You can have the motherhood you desire without a guilty conscience.

There are something like two billion mothers in the world. One in four people globally is a mother (thanks for the facts, Chat)… That means one in four opinions you get will either taint your view or empower your journey of motherhood.

It’s safe to say that motherhood became just as big an industry as it is a life journey. I hope that when the voices get loud and the self-depracating thoughts get louder, you choose, over and over, how your experience gets to be.

At some point, you will have to stop reading this article and stop consuming motherhood to start living it.

No, you don’t need another viral checklist, crash course, or content creator to validate your maternal instincts. You just have to close the tabs, mute the noise, and come back to yourself. Because, in this industry, no one will hand you the version of motherhood you’re craving, you just have to allow yourself to have it.

Unapologetically,
Sarah Elle

xx

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